Posts tagged couples therapist blue cross blue shield
Warning Signs of a Codependent Relationship
 
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We all enjoy the sweet nature that often comes from being with our platonic relationships and significant others, as the connection shared between one another is unparalleled. However, relationships can turn sour without proper attention to red flags that may arise. This is particularly true in codependent relationships.

The American Psychological Association defines codependency as, "a dysfunctional relationship pattern in which an individual is psychologically dependent on (or controlled by) a person who has a pathological addiction (e.g., alcohol, gambling)" and

"The state of being mutually reliant, for example, a relationship between two individuals who are emotionally dependent on one another."

This state of being can be damaging to any relationship, creating an atmosphere of disrespect, dependence and obsession. These actions often lead to unhappiness and resentment. To prevent this, here are a few warning signs that you (or your partner) may be engaging in codependency:

Low Self-Esteem and Self Worth

Feelings of inadequacy, experiencing guilt or shame, and constant comparisons are common feelings codependents share. Honoring our needs and boundaries often prevents us from being placed in tricky situations, conflicts, or being willing to engage in self-destructive or people-pleasing behaviors. Detaching from the value of other's approval and toxic perception of oneself are great ways to combat this.

Blurred Lines

Weak or the lack of boundaries is a telltale sign of codependency within a relationship. Codependents often express their objection to tolerating addiction or domestic violence behaviors within their relationships, then acquiesce when such issues come about. Allowing your partner (or any other individual) to walk all over you and constantly bending your own rules isn't helpful to either person in a relationship, as boundaries are pertinent in any connection. Some ways "blurred lines" or compliance can manifest themselves are accepting sex as a substitute for love, being extremely loyal and remaining in a harmful situation for far too long and putting aside your interests to pursue what others want.

Excuses, Excuses, Excuses…

Suppose you often find yourself constantly rationalizing, taking on abusive behavior as your fault, or in denial of your partner's behaviors rather than helping them combat any concerns. In that case, you may be engaging in a codependent relationship.

Covering up this behavior is damaging and enabling such acts through can break down any relationship quicker than one can imagine. Denying toxic patterns and minimizing how you genuinely feel only continues this vicious cycle.

Codependent people often find difficulties in expressing their feelings and articulating their thoughts. Due to the overwhelming fear of being rejected, abandoned, or criticized, combined with an overwhelming need to control, codependents sacrifice the will to communicate or have undeveloped communication skills that can foster a healthy communication.

Everyone deserves love, that in its purest and healthiest form. If you happen to relate to any of these signs, help is available. It all starts with the will to repair and heal a once-wounded relationship.

~Eryka Warren

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Self Love Concept
Self Love Concept

When we think of self-love we may often think of spoiling our desires. Self-love may take the form of relaxing hot showers, calming baths, scented candles, enjoying a cup of coffee while reading your favorite book, going for a jog, finding clothes you like, treating yourself to a spa day, and good food. But self-love isn’t just about pampering yourself.

Loving ourselves is being able to look in the mirror for once without criticizing our own bodies. It is finally feeling content with where you are at in life. Loving ourselves is being able to be happy for both ourselves and others when we achieve success. It also involves speaking and thinking kindly of ourselves, as well as listening to our needs - and sometimes putting ourselves first!

There are many days where you are unable to shut out your thoughts. There are days when being able to say you survived is an achievement in itself. There are nights when it all gets too much and you’re frustrated at how you’re unable to explain what is going on within yourself. There are moments when you know you’re still chained by the things in your past and you hate yourself for still being affected by it all. I know this feeling personally. In fact, take the time you need to deal with it. Take that day off or go on a day out if you are unable to muster the strength to go on.

But don’t give up entirely. As difficult as things may be, know that you have the power to work through it — or around it at least. There may be events in our lives that have shaped who we are, to a point that we are unable to detach ourselves from what has happened. Here’s the truth: you can either wallow in the weight of this moment, or you can fight for your life and make it a good story. Chose your happiness every time, but most importantly, take it step by step and day by day.

I discovered that being simply honest with your emotions is the most freeing thing a person could ever do for themselves. Allowing yourself to embrace it all is truly living honestly. Know that by being open with what you feel, you are being your authentic self — and that, is just being beautifully human.

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Creating Mindful Relationships
Creating Mindful Relationships
“The right relationships keep you on the right track. The wrong relationships will distract. ”

As we grow through life, we come across people and energies that will not only present themselves as challenges but, as decisions as well. Sometimes, we fail to see past a person's actions or habits, ultimately making the decision to hinder our own growth. This can be detrimental to our own health, body, and mind. Your energy and intentions attract what you want the most - by surrounding yourself with people and energies that resonate with the same positivism, you can attract positive manifestations. However, here are five type of energies to be mindful of:

  1. Irresponsible People

    There are people who are unable to assume the responsibility for their actions. Even so, they maybe prone to blaming others for their own mistakes. These type of people will have a negative influence on your life. They may not be able to change their attitude, and because of this, you will sacrifice your positive energy for their lack of commitment. Understand that you deserve better! If it's possible, you can try expressing how their habits make you uncomfortable. But if this doesn't spark a need for change, then avoiding them, their problems and their responsibilities is what's best for your peace.

  2. Self-Destructive People

    Sometimes when you express how someone made you feel, some people tend to become defensive in pointing out their lapses of judgment. They seek pity, help and attention, but most times they're not really interested in solving their own problems. Self-destructive people have no interest in growing or changing for the better. They’re simply content with complaining and living their lives in misery over and over again. The worst thing, however, is that even if you want to help them, you won’t be able to do much. If it’s their habit to offer excuses for their behaviors, it's out of your control. Again, simply avoiding them is best.

  3. Criticizing People

    No one is perfect, and once we commit to growth, going through changes and learning from our mistakes is inevitable. However, just because you have your flaws that you’re struggling to overcome, it doesn’t mean that someone should point them out to you all the time. There is a difference between expressing one’s concern honestly and constructively, and pointing out the weakness in order to attack someone. If one of your friends is quick to emphasize your flaws and frequently criticizes your behavior, you are dealing with a toxic person that you should definitely avoid. Otherwise, you will risk that person wearing down your self-esteem and bringing down your own energy.

  4. Energy Draining People

    These people (or things) are also known as "energy vampires", and they come in many forms. Some people like to be pitied for problems they cannot solve, while others like to constantly speak badly about other people. Some will try to control your opinions about topics, and others will point out all the flaws in your behavior. Some might seek company in judging others, or challenge you every time you cross paths. But what they all have in common is that after every interaction with them you feel emotional, mental fatigue and stress. Do yourself a favor and chose what's best for your energy - avoid them.

  5. Jealous & Envious People

    You might know a person who tends to minimize your accomplishments or strengths in order to make themselves feel better. Or someone who may secretly show resentment by downplaying your abilities and accomplishments. Jealously and envy will never aid you or anyone else in growth. You don’t need these kinds of toxic people in your life. Avoid people these kind of people and traits because they will not serve for your best intentions - they can’t appreciate your hard work, simply because they can’t put so much effort into things they love. Real friends and things will always be meant for you and be genuinely happy for you. They won’t try to diminish your happiness with negative reactions. They will never try to make you feel guilty for sharing your happiness with them.

Avoid the five types of toxic personalities and you’ll be on your way to creating a harmonious and balanced social environment that serves to boost your strengths and helps you to lead a peaceful and happy life.

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THE POSSIBILITIES OF BEING SINGLE AND SATISFIED
THE POSSIBILITIES OF BEING SINGLE AND SATISFIED
“Who we are is who we attract.”

Living a single life and fulfilling unconditional happiness without a partner can be a challenge. However, with every challenge, there are possible solutions that increase opportunities for one to live a happy and well-being life. To acquire what the heart truly desires, one must go to the first reference of the source available…within SELF and obtain SELF. Self-awareness, self-understanding, self-forgiveness, self-boundaries and self-comfort and discomfort, to say the least. Self-satisfaction provides one the ability to satisfy self in order to satisfy others. If one cannot satisfy self alone, how can one wholeheartedly satisfy someone else or receive satisfaction together? To please thy self on all aspects (mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually), time is needed. Take time to live with thine own self long enough to know who that person really is from the inside out. Time increases self-toleration. With that, comes an understanding of who you are, what you stand for, and what/who you deserve in life. Emotional attachment to self increases self-satisfaction. When the self is satisfied, the established self-unconditional love creates a new lens to observe and view the true “self” of others.      

If we do not know ourselves well enough to embrace ourselves for who we are, imagine the challenge of embracing someone else or allowing someone to embrace us?  Extremely interesting thought… Lack of self-unconditional love creates a vicious cycle that is repeated with no lessons learned and places a strain on one’s ability to live a single life while being satisfied. Once you find YOU, you find your happy place. When in your happy place you gain self-satisfaction while being single, which then opens the door for the individual that is for you to enter without you seeking beyond…self.

~ DeAnna L. Alexander

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The Cycle of Healing After A Breakup
The Cycle of Healing After A Breakup

The process of healing during a heartbreak is easier said than done. While it seems simple to remove all physical evidence and move on, the reality is the emotional scarring that is left behind makes it feel impossible to recover from. There is no number which can predict how long the breakup will take to get over. The recovery process is subjective of the individual however the tenet of the painful process should be to learn from the breakup and be able to grow as a person. This is the end goal which takes longer than most people would expect. Typically, the healing starts with expressing all the emotions which are often coupled with reminiscing on the last “perfect” moments of the relationship. While reliving the memories repetitively brings some positive emotions to the forefront it can also cause more harm emotionally which hinders the healing process. The difficult part about a breakup that was out of the blue means that a majority of the time will be spent analyzing for signs that the relationship was on unstable ground. It is important to recognize that in a breakup that there will be periods of time where the negative feelings will come in waves and that it is okay to let the feelings take over. This is better than keeping the feelings inside which could lead to a problematic pathway of dealing with the breakup. The complex structuring of the brain makes it so that putting focus on the negative aspects can change the structure which can lead to a decline mental health. Even though it is easier to focus on the things that bring sadness, there is more reward on finding things that can bring happiness back into daily routine. This will lead into a path of successful self-growth. Realistically, the whiplash from a breakup does not end till you find happiness in something that reminds you of all the wonderful experiences that are there left to explore.

~Angela Jetty

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